Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Everything is not perfect

Even though I've lost 23lbs since the surgery and 34lbs total... I'm not feeling so confident in my decision to have this surgery anymore.  I am uncomfortable all day long, my stomach gurgles, aches, has pains, and gets gassy and I just don't have enough energy yet to get up and be motivated to do anything.  Yesterday was the first day I actually got out of the house and did something.  I took Emily to see Eclipse and even then, I was uncomfortable the entire time and my claustrophobia was gibing me anxiety in the packed theater.

And then there's this tube in me.  Oh how I hate this tube.  The site where it's going into my body is sore, the area around it is sore and it makes my insides unable to heal cause it has this foreign object in it.  It's uncomfortable and I hate it.  Now, I have my follow up appointment tomorrow, but because of the amount of fluid that's still coming out of it everyday, I have a feeling they aren't going to take it out.  But, I dunno... I'm not an expert.

I hate every piece of food that I put in my mouth.  Currently, I'm on a liquid diet which means water, broth, pudding, yogurt, jello, protein shakes, protein ice cream, etc.  If I eat another bite of chocolate pudding, I think I'm going to hurl.  I get up every morning and have 3oz of yogurt mixed with protein powder, which is normally fine... but then every two hours after that I have to force myself to drink a disgusting shake, eat protein filled pudding or something like that.  I just can't do this much longer.  I still have another week of this before I can switch to the pureed stage where I blend up my meats and can eat cooked veggies and things like that.

I was talking to a friend on Twitter and she equated these feelings to having "buyers remorse".  A part of me totally feels like that.  I keep asking myself, "why the hell did I do this?"  I'm miserable all day long and there is no end in sight.  My depression is kicking in and I feel so alone in this.  My husband is gone, my mom is dead and I have no one in my real life to talk to about this that really understands.  A few of my real life friends have done their best to support me the only ways they know how... but it's not like people are coming over, checking up on me everyday, or offering moral support.  It just sucks.  I miss my Mom.  If she were here, I know I'd be able to call her up and cry and talk to her about all of this and she'd find some way to understand and tell me she loves me and I'd feel better.

When are things going to get better?  When is this going to get easier?

Weight Loss Recap: 
Today's weight: 291lbs
Total weight loss: 34lbs
Weight loss since surgery: 23lbs


Michelle "Shelly" said...

(((Hugs))) All I can say is I've been there. I remember July 4th 2006 (14 days post op) sitting in a heap on my bed sobbing. Eating my pureed carrots with protein powder (yuk don't try it LOL), smelling all the BBQ's in the neighborhood having big time buyer's remorse, saying things like "what the hell did I do to my body? Was being fat THAT bad?" Getting all snotty & puffy... and finally saying "well you asked for it, this is what you wanted, its your own damn fault, no one to blame" I thought life would never get better things sucked so bad... fast forward to a year later... 129 pounds down, ate a sensible amount of BBQ, feeling great and thinking heck yeah I'd do this again... in a nano second.

You will feel the same.

I know you can't see it. If someone told me that night eating my carrots I would ever feel good/normal/not like a flippin patient I probably would have thrown my insipid carrots at them. Till that day (and it WILL COME) know you are NOT ALONE!

Tressa93 said...

Hi. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. :( I'm not going to tell you that I know what you are going through or that "I feel your pain", because I don't know. But I can tell you that I love you and that I'm pulling for you to reach your goals. I can somewhat relate to the buyers remorse and other feelings you mentioned when I look back at choosing to get divorced. I think that those are normal feelings when we make hard decisions. I like your friend's advice - the one who went through it 4 years ago. You have other's successful stories as a light of hope at the end of your tunnel.

I love you & am looking forward to seeing 23+ pounds less of you on Saturday. I hope you are able to come still & that it will be a fun afternoon for you!

:) Tressa

Renee said...

Oh sweetie! I am so sorry you are struggling with this! I have faith that you will find strength and overcome this period of "remorse". Isn't there a support group that you are a part of that have had the surgery as well? My best friend had the surgery and she works for the doctor still. I can always ask her to give you a call if you need someone to talk to that has been through it??? Please let me know. Chin up and take care. BIG hug!

Deb said...

I am rooting for you Betsy and know you have the resolve to do what it will take to get you through this period to the time when you are glad you had the surgery. My heart does ache for you that you do not have Dave or your mom to help you through. Feel all of the wishes of your friends under your wings to lift you up and help carry you forward.

Ask for what you want and need. Sometimes the strongest thing to do is to admit your are weak and the need help of others. And that comes from years of experience. Not easy but ever so helpful. Even I, just a classmate and fB friend, am here for you. You can call me every day if you want and tell me how hard it is and I will listen with empathy.

hugs, Deb