I'm better than I think!

So remember that meltdown I had a couple days ago? The one where I admitted to eating cheetos and pepsi?  Well... it wasn't as bad as I thought.  I bought a scale at the PX and then this morning, I stepped on it.

194lbs.

131lbs total lost.

Woah.   Seriously?  Cause when I got on the plane to Germany... I was hovering around 199-201.  It would change daily, but it wasn't dropping.

So...  I guess I wasn't doing as bad as I thought and I really just needed to give myself a break.

Life, my weight loss, diet, exercise... it's not always going to go smoothly.  I have to remember that.  This is for  LIFE.  It's going to be a long journey... did you hear that,  a JOURNEY.  Not a sprint.  It's going to have big hills for me to get over... like this move... but, I will  reach the TOP and  I will coast down the other side to victory... just  like I'm doing now.

I bought new workout clothes... size L in Adidas stuff.  I've never been a size L in athletic stuff.... EVER.  It was awesome being able to try on anything I wanted to.  (PS... thanks Tressa for the advice on what kind of stuff to get!)  I can't wait until my running shoes get here. I don't want to have to spend $80 on another pair when I already have a pair.

Speaking of running.  I started.  Well, more like running and walking. But... I'm running more, longer, than I ever have before. Ever. Ever.  Ever!!  It feels good. I can't wait to do it again tomorrow.

So... yeah.  One day at a time.  Motivation, self assurance, and know that I CAN DO THIS!

******************************

Weight Loss Recap

Today's weight: 194lbs
Total weight loss: 131lbs
Weight loss since surgery: 120lbs

Let's keep it real...

I'm going for 100% transparency here.  I'm gonna keep it real and be real honest with myself and the world.

Since I've been in Germany... I've fallen off the wagon.  I've cheated.  I've not eaten what I'm supposed to and I've reverted back to some really bad habits.

When we first arrived,  I had a hard time finding greek yogurt, I didn't have a place to cook lean meats, and was eating out a lot.  But, I was also walking 40-60 minutes a day and was feeling okay.

Now, I'm in my house... and I run to the Shopette or Commissary and pick up anything that sounds good.  Donuts, cheetos, soft salty pretzels, bread, cookies.  I've been eating it all.  Oh... and drinking Pepsi.  I started again.  Last night for dinner, I made my favorite meal ever, Hamburger Casserole, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I drank a pepsi and ate cheetos again.

What the fuck am I doing?  Pepsi and Cheetos for dinner?  Seriously, Betsy?!?! Do you want to get fat again?

I know what the problem is.  I'm alone, sad, and am eating my feelings.  I haven't felt like this since I had this surgery and now... I'm forgetting everything I learned and I'm eating my feelings.

I need a reality check.  I need a scale.  I need to see how many pounds I've gained.  But, I can't.... my scale won't be here until late May.  Maybe I just need to go to the thrift store and buy the one there I saw for $1.  I've been in there twice to look at it, but I've been scared to bring it home and step on it.

Scared.  Yes.  I'm scared to let myself down.  To be a failure.  Scared to see that I'm getting fat again.

I don't want to be fat again.

So... what am I going to do?  I don't know.  Throw away all the junk food I just bought?  Go to the commissary and buy all new healthy options?  I'm supposed to start exercising with a new friend I made here next week. I want to take a Zumba class at the gym.  That's what I should do.  I know it.  What will I do?  I don't know.

I know you guys will read this and want to give me encouraging words.... and thank you.  That's really sweet and nice and encouraging of you to want to say such things to me.  But, I don't really need to be reminded of how strong I am, how hard I've worked, blah blah blah.  I just need someone to understand what I'm feeling and share words of wisdom.  Share what's worked for them and help guide me in the right direction.

Today.  I will bake, relieve stress, give away said baked goods and... I will go for a walk.

Start small.  I can do this.

Jet lag & Lack of protein = SUCKY!

So I've made it to Germany... but my tummy is not happy.  Starting from the plane ride until now, my diet has been wacky.  I tried to plan my best by packing protein friendly snacks, but without a fridge to keep things cold, this was tough.

So now... a few days into things, my body is all out of wack and I'm feeling the consequences physically from not eating enough protein and whole foods.

Before I left, I was eating 50-60g of protein a day and now I'm lucky to have gotten that much since I left.  *BIG SIGH*

My stomach is in knots, my body aches, I can't sleep.  I need to make some changes.

So, it's 2:45am, I'm eating a Greek yogurt with honey and berries, trying to give my stomach something it'll recognize and be happy with.

Tomorrow, breakfast will not start with a pastry or crappy restaurant food.  It will start with protein.  Even if I have to eat more yogurt.

Seriously, if I have to eat this greek yogurt everyday until I can get to the a place where I can make or buy whole foods and lean proteins... I will.

My body can't last like this much longer.

Oh, by the way, my scale has been packed which means I won't be able to weight myself until it gets to me in about a month or so.  This will be a true test of my ability to stay on track with this life style.

Wish my tummy luck!