Friday, March 25, 2011

Let's keep it real...

I'm going for 100% transparency here.  I'm gonna keep it real and be real honest with myself and the world.

Since I've been in Germany... I've fallen off the wagon.  I've cheated.  I've not eaten what I'm supposed to and I've reverted back to some really bad habits.

When we first arrived,  I had a hard time finding greek yogurt, I didn't have a place to cook lean meats, and was eating out a lot.  But, I was also walking 40-60 minutes a day and was feeling okay.

Now, I'm in my house... and I run to the Shopette or Commissary and pick up anything that sounds good.  Donuts, cheetos, soft salty pretzels, bread, cookies.  I've been eating it all.  Oh... and drinking Pepsi.  I started again.  Last night for dinner, I made my favorite meal ever, Hamburger Casserole, and I wanted nothing to do with it.  I drank a pepsi and ate cheetos again.

What the fuck am I doing?  Pepsi and Cheetos for dinner?  Seriously, Betsy?!?! Do you want to get fat again?

I know what the problem is.  I'm alone, sad, and am eating my feelings.  I haven't felt like this since I had this surgery and now... I'm forgetting everything I learned and I'm eating my feelings.

I need a reality check.  I need a scale.  I need to see how many pounds I've gained.  But, I can't.... my scale won't be here until late May.  Maybe I just need to go to the thrift store and buy the one there I saw for $1.  I've been in there twice to look at it, but I've been scared to bring it home and step on it.

Scared.  Yes.  I'm scared to let myself down.  To be a failure.  Scared to see that I'm getting fat again.

I don't want to be fat again.

So... what am I going to do?  I don't know.  Throw away all the junk food I just bought?  Go to the commissary and buy all new healthy options?  I'm supposed to start exercising with a new friend I made here next week. I want to take a Zumba class at the gym.  That's what I should do.  I know it.  What will I do?  I don't know.

I know you guys will read this and want to give me encouraging words.... and thank you.  That's really sweet and nice and encouraging of you to want to say such things to me.  But, I don't really need to be reminded of how strong I am, how hard I've worked, blah blah blah.  I just need someone to understand what I'm feeling and share words of wisdom.  Share what's worked for them and help guide me in the right direction.

Today.  I will bake, relieve stress, give away said baked goods and... I will go for a walk.

Start small.  I can do this.


Tressa said...

You are in charge of your thoughts, choices & reactions. No one else gets to do that but you. That's the power that you have. Even the strongest people who seem to have their shit together backslide. It's called being human. Royce been thru an emotional roller coaster & a majorlife transition. So give yourself a break & cut your self some slack about the bad choices. The good news is that you've caught it now & can turn the train around. Re-read all your blogs, buy a scale & toss the cheetos. Create something else to occupy your ugly feelings (I'm not kidding but a good sweat does this too). And this part sucks....this really is a lifestyle, a journey not a sprint. So refocus and make smart choices again. You know exactly what to do because you just listed it. So now, make the choice to do it!!!


PS. I'm the queen of backsliding. I put all my wright back on since p90x & running the 5ks, 30 of which since mom died & staring my new job. I'm 17 down since January. Again I'm losing this same fucking bucket of weight. Some lessons, I guess, take several times to do to finally learn them.

Renee said...

Is there anyone you can contact that you know has had the same surgery? I know of three ppl that have had it and would be nice to talk to if u want. Let me know if there is anything I can help u out with. Luv and hugs!

Esther said...

Hi Skinny Betsy - - great job and hang in there!!! I live in L.A. now but was born and raised in Switzerland (Germany's neighbor)... The so called "Greek Yoghurt" is QUARK in Germany/Switzerland.. you can get it with different fat contents... Hope that helps and keep going - - you can do it!!